listening to the clicks - part 1

I'm not the sort of woman to talk about expectations when getting married - my upbringing wasn't one where marriage was on display to build expectations around.  Surprisingly, I had some anyway, and built up plenty more along the way.   I'm the sort of person who learns from those around to discern the appropriate social customs and norms for the culture I live in, and it serves me well in a lot of ways. Not all ways, as I will share below...

Sit with this thought... In Genesis, after the poison apple and the cursed fall, God has this to say to the woman: "I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you." Genesis 3:16

There is a lot in the bible about marriage and husbands and I'm no scholar, so I will confess that this passage wasn't something I considered. Until....

• Until my husband received a disability diagnosis that explained his relational and communication challenges - he isn't just a self absorbed jerk. 
• Until my husband rejected our "shared faith" for science and atheism. 
• Until I was staring down a divorce as my husband wanted me to be happy.

We started down a journey of discovery about 3 years ago and its been messy. I've not been kind, he isn't able to articulate feelings well, we've had death and grief and illness and job change and home sales...

I'm not writing this to cast judgement on anyone. I know first hand how difficult disappointment in marriage can be, how painful separation is, how deeply most people desire to be cared for. I'm writing this to share my thoughts, and perhaps encourage one person whose situation allows to try a different path.

My situation allows plenty of paths. My husband wants me to be happy and just can't see himself able to do anything in that regard (he has come a long way in 3 years but.. its never going to be easy or natural for him or I.) I've wrestled and wrestled. I've been angry, confused, sad, hurt, rejected, betrayed. I've known sureness and rested in my faith at the same time.

Except I really wasn't. Deep in my soul I wasn't resting in my faith and trusting the path I know I'm supposed to be on. I was continuing to long for my husband to be fixed and meet my needs like other husbands do. In other words,  just be... "normal." My focus was still on the flaws, on the challenges, on my desires...

I read this comment on Facebook and it captured exactly what I have been processing:

We are inclined to put our husbands before God as a result of the fall. Our curse was that our desire would be for them (meaning we want to get all our needs met by them) when worshiping and relationship with God should be first and foremost the desire of our heart. I have only come to understand this fairly recently. Like many, I believed this was a good thing, romantic and lovely, forgetting it’s a consequence of sin.  This has been mind blowing for me and not easy because having your central focus of how you live your life turned upside down is incredibly challenging.

I'm going to stop us all right there and say... the first 10 times I heard this I was incredulous!! Surely this isn't what the passage in Genesis means! So if you think so too, we are in good company.

And then. as I read, and prayed, and considered... I think it does. At least in part, as I'm no bible scholar and I can't read Hebrew.





I'm going to hit pause on this string of thoughts and come back another day to share more. Stay tuned.

Dusting the shelves

Just dusting the shelves on my blog. There may be more to see here shortly!

Lessons from the cat

Our oldest moved out two weeks ago but left behind her furniture and cat.. The idea is to come back for it all just as soon as things are arranged...

At first we were not keenly thrilled with the idea of the cat, as there had been some challenges with his training and I'm not a fan of indoor animal cleanup.. however, the cat almost immediately responded when left with us, and is doing excellent.

The lessons I'm learning from the cat are varied, but today I'm thinking of one thing in particular. Cats love napping. And generally their favorite place to nap is on someones lap (or next to it.) Every morning I get up and the cat starts to follow me around, which is rather neat and makes me feel special, but it only occurred to me this morning what the real deal is.

He is waiting for me to sit down so he can sit with me. 

It took me two weeks to slow down enough to evaluate and be honest about the truth.

Sitting down is not something I'm good at. In honestly, I'm usually a flutter of activity that doesn't stop until I lay down at the end of the day. Of course I sit at my desk at work, and that is where I spend much of my day, but at home I don't pause. In the world I don't pause.

So whats the solution?
I certainly cannot and will not guilt myself or shame myself. This is the year to ban negative self talk from my mind. Rather than saying "I should," I simply need to be honest with myself and remind myself of what I find joy in.

Ah, joy and happiness. Complex things we rush for, strive for, but perhaps don't always identify.

I find joy in the bible, in prayer, in singing, in walking with my dog, in being with my girls doing something they love, in reading a good book, in cooking a meal, in talking with friends over a meal. I find joy in my work and in the public sphere when I'm solving problems and helping people..and I am finding that I enjoy being with Jake when we are doing life together - walking together, watching the same show, or eating at the same place/time.

Here's to more Rurouni Kenshin with Emily, driving with Sarah with the radio on, and meals with Jake. Here's to an honest look at the calendar to find time to read some of these great books I'm piling up (currently reading Start With Why and its pretty dang good.) Here's a quote in line with this "Every instruction we give, every course of action we set, every result we desire, starts with the same thing: a decision." And of course, here's to spring, which brings more time for walking outdoors and opportunities to pause with friends over a beverage or a meal.

The cat, his name is Winston by the way, finds joy in being with us. He love to nap, to watch, and to be a moderate pest. He is inquisitive, even though he isn't a kitten, and he has certainly won us all over. He will be missed when she comes to collect him, but I hope the lessons we are all learning from our time with him will remain with us. Thank you to my daughter for the opportunity!

39th year

This is my 39th year.

I haven't yet had my birthday, but I'm living like I have.

I remember so many people of long ago, as they were approaching 40. Forty... It seemed like an impossible number at 10, and today, at 38.6 it still seems impossible.

I told a friend today that I only feel 30. 

And so it goes..

The three decided not to halt time and are growing up. The eldest has a moving out date all arranged... all that has to happen is the date to appear. The middle has her college sights set and is doing much .. and the youngest, she is determined to shine, as she has ever since birth...

My best friend, my beautiful dog Asia, is geriatric. Someday she will not be my walking partner, and I will weep for a time...

The king and I, we are talking of "when the girls are gone" and "the next 30 years" as if we have any more clue now than we did at 19, when this all began.

I'm hopeful for their lifeskills, praying daily for their daily... longing for jesus as I know this crazy world isn't getting any more sane.

I think about that 10 year old looking at those old people like they are crazy. I know the truth, that they are crazy, and yet they keep on, because at 40 you don't care about the world like you did at 10.

So how am I living like I'm 39? Great question. I'm doing a terrain race - I'm hiking the South Sister - I've started seeing a naturopath and I'm taking better care of my health -  and I'm going to spend a weekend or two in silent retreat this year on the encouragement of dear friend.

I'm almost at the point where I can write...

Its been a long time......

Morning!
It's been such a long time since I've been here. I am working on a project for myself, writing the skeleton of my book.

12 days post op, need a haircut!

And I'm recovering from surgery. I have a healing scar on my neck as a result of a two level ADR - I have two Mobi-C artificial discs now, between C5/6 an C6/7. I'm a new woman!

Where to begin?

In my recent mental ramblings I've been pondering the concept of identity. Nothing new for me, but I'm learning more and more how vital our identity is to our faith, maturity, and relationships. The hinge points for maturity are identity and truth - Who I believe myself to be dictates how I engage the world, and the truth I believe sets my moral compass.

For me, I can recall a distinct point in my life when I started to adopt the truths I had been learning and hearing and considering for so long. I was in my mid/late 20's, and I was essentially crashing into adulthood - yes, late, considering Jake and I were parents long before this time.

For a while I considered myself to be an adult but in reality acted like an overgrown teenager. I had issues from my life, acted like a victim at times, my wants and pleasures were self focused for the most part, and I as often people pleasing and looking for validation or approval. Not that I was able to articulate all that, but it is what was going on.

One day I realized this. This had a lot to do with some great friends but I woke up and realized that I didn't really have a healthy frame of mind. I needed help!

Between good friends, good counselors, the bible, other books, and my journal - I began to identify areas where I could see room for improvement. Its been quite a journey but I'm now about 10 years in and I'm so glad!

Identity. Who you believe yourself to be will shape your actions, goals, and motivations. For example. When my youngest was 1-1/2, I went to the doctor and she told me that I weighed 235 pounds. Still. In my mind I knew I wasn't a healthy weight, and I probably knew what that weight was, and I didn't really like it, but I didn't think I could do anything about it. I thought I was either going to suddenly lose weight, like so many women I know after babies, or I was just going to be like this forever. It took a doctor pointing it out to me to help me see that I wasn't on a good track. I had to believe that I could actually make the changes necessary to lose the weight and find health. My goal? To be a great mom with energy for grandkids someday. Nothing ridiculous. My secondary goal? To accept the fact that I have a genetic disposition and I wanted to turn that tide. SO. Not really numbers but truths, and I then embarked on a journey.

I heard the truth, believed I could do something, and began to fill my mind with new information.
It took determination, a consistent stream of truth to replace the wants in my head, and a goal.

For all out there working on this and possibly inspired, here is my grand method. One, eat small meals periodically, don't starve/binge as that kills your metabolism and your mood.  Two, cut out all fast food, processed foods, liquid calories, pizza and ice cream (my weaknesses!) Three, move a little (or just a little more). For me I chose to get an exercise bike. I had kids and couldn't leave them. But I was able to go in my room for 20 minutes when Jake was home to ride the bike. When I was able, I moved on to a real bike and went out for a ride around the block. Didn't cost much, and since we didn't have much, it was a win! Probably saved money by not eating junk too :)

Today I'm consistently about 150. Not the BMI weight of my height, but close enough. I have energy, well, when I'm not recovering from surgery! I mostly walk my dog and keep tabs on my eating. Its a pretty simple method! I still have to keep my mind fed with truth, because I really like food, and I don't think food is the issue, my self control is.

Truth & Identity. They go hand in hand, really. Since I believe that I was created by God, and he loves me, I can believe that I am His and He has a good plan for me. I am able to keep living and growing because I love Him and believe this, because it is true! He created me, loves me, has a plan for me, and it is GOOD. If I stop feeding my mind the truth, though, I become like my heavier self, I lose self control and focus, my wants overcome me, and I feel sick later.

Who do you believe you are?

Living Life Together

In a recent conversation I was reminded that our girls are pretty awesome! It's encouraging to me to see how they've matured into their own right and become women young women that other people see and respect. Another woman made a comment in hopes that her girls could spend time with my girls, to perhaps allow them to have some effect on them. I think about raising my girls often and so I gave her my little bits of wisdom... so I thought I'd share with you.

Of note, the primary thing that we've done with the girls which was possibly unique (to our culture) is  basically what I would call living life together.  If we are involved in something like serving or visiting somewhere or helping somebody we bring our girls with us. Our girls are part of the family so they're part of what we're doing.  I know a lot of people who are in ministry whose ministry is separate from their children,… I don't quite know if I could've done that. I didn't do it and I and I never wanted to... In fact, I was confronted at one point by the fact that the kids were working with me in a ministry that I was doing as their presence was a potential distraction for someone else. So rather than find a sitter or some other resource for them I simply stopped participating in that ministry. Jake does things independently of us, and I will go to meetings by myself, but in those ways that it is possible, we serve together as a family.

Having a brother in prison, it would be very easy to keep the girls sheltered from that world, but we chose not to; they have been in maximum security settings right along with me. It would have been easy not to follow the Lord into short term missions, especially to third world countries, but we live in peace not fear, and so we have all gone. Living in a small town, it would be easy to shelter the kids from a lot of things. But, as I've mentioned in years past, we chose to intentionally visit the city of Portland so that they could learn such things as "how to cross a street" and "how to walk on a sidewalk" and "how not to be a rude jerk when you see someone different than yourself." We've gone to different churches, visited different types of people, and heard different stories - all the while living life together.

There's a passage in the Old Testament that I've kept in mind; I should probably just tattoo it on myself because I love it so much and I'm looking forward to a new tattoo:

“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates."  Deuteronomy 6:4-99

I've always loved this passage because it is exactly how Jesus taught his disciples; he had them with him and did ministry with them, he taught them as they went and he shared with them as they went. He didn't just speak. In the living of life he taught them the way to live. It's a beautiful picture of the family!

(this passage is actually what prompted the idea for my tattoo on my wrist as a reminder not to concern myself with the things of this world but rather with pursuing the Lord -- Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Matthew 6:26)

I'm a repetitive being, but as I look at my girls preparing for adulthood, I am really thankful that I was able to live life with them fully.

Haiti - Final Countdown!

The first half of our team leaves today, and Rachel and I leave in just seven short days! Time has just flown by yet we are truly feeling prepared and at peace to go :)

Thanks to the Lord for his incredible provision! At this time we are over half funded, and Rachel has a couple prepaid babysitting jobs to do when she is back. We were able to get our immunizations and anti-malaria prescriptions last weekend, thanks to a great local nurse who provides affordable missions travel vaccines at the Good News Clinic in Rockwood.

The team has a blog! I'm the blogger while we are in Jacmel, but there will be updates from the team heading to Carrefour as well, if you are curious: http://haitifall2014blog.wordpress.com

Ways to pray NOW:

Rachel is wrapping up drivers ed in the days to come. She has to take her finals early due to our trip, so please keep her in your prayers Wednesday and Thursday evening from 5-8pm. (her sister Emily will be doing the presentation portion of their final alone on Monday the 17th, and as long as that goes well, and Rachel passes her other finals, she will have passed drives ed!) Rachel also has classes to prepare to miss the week we are out, which  means the pressure really is on her!

I have found the Lord to be quite a teacher to me in these past weeks; learning much about dependence and trust in Him through car troubles and physical challenges. I am suffering from increased numbness in my right arm due to disc compression in my neck - it had been almost completely alleviated through massage/pt/chiro, but has returned with a vengeance. I saw a neurosurgeon and we are awaiting a new MRI to see what we are dealing with. I have confidence that this will not cause any issues in Haiti; it seems to be an issue primarily when sitting (at a desk or in my car) and in Haiti we will be doing everything but sit! You can pray that Providence (my insurance provider) will have mercy and grant me a second MRI this year! Other than that, I'm able to adjust myself as needed to keep the muscle spasms at bay, and I'm practicing the things I've learned through physical therapy. Work is going well and I believe everything will be just fine in my absence. At home, the rest of our family is prepared to take care of things (it does help to have three teenagers and a willing husband, along with a terrific extended family and friends!) My brother (Nick) is at peace about our trip (he is an inmate at CRCI) and we will be spending time with my mom Ellen this weekend (she turns 60 while we are gone!)

We have some last minute things to pickup and anti-malaria meds to take on Sunday, but otherwise, we are just readying our hearts and minds for the ways the Lord will use us specifically while we are in Haiti. May we be so available to His service home and away,

Happy birthday Seventeen!

October 15 is the day that changed my name and made me mom. I woke up early this morning, remembering every detail... Walking from our apartment to the car, the fog that was so thick yet broke right up in a clean line at an intersection not far from the hospital, the roses out the window, how much better everything was when Shawna arrived... The pain and the stress, and finally, Rachel was born.

Seventeen now.

Christ follower. Oldest sister.

A senior in high school, majoring in fine art, with a love for children and animals (but not always the parents!) She turned me on to bbc, sixty seconds of science and the vlog brothers, and most recently, Sorted. 

Today is your day girl, let's eat some bratwurst, find a banana cake, and celebrate life! Happy birthday!

Hard things

Time to talk about some hard things. Things like anger and bitterness... As I mentioned yesterday, I've had some experiences with people that have left me hesitant and unsure about other people, particularly women. 

I was only able to start making true, in real life, local friends after coming to grips with who God is, who I am, and what my life really is to be lived for. Only after I stopped chasing the approval of the world. 

Being hurt and wronged can make a person hard and unsure... I think that until I was able to release people I was looking to exact revenge somehow. 

Justice. 

That beautiful word. Justice. We use it all the time and usually we use it in contexts that it really does apply to. Things like human trafficking, and hunger, and persecution. 

Sometimes though, we use it out of anger against those that hurt us. And that's where I found myself for a long time. Harboring resentment and bitterness. Wanting things to be my way - my right way. 

Last night I was reading a book that I've been trying to read this year - it's a hard one. Written in 1728 by William Law, "A Serious Call to a Devout and Holy Life" is an interesting and highly blunt perspective on how to live a holy life pursuing Christ. In reading it I found the topic for today... I believe he captures really beautifully the idea of the difference between desiring revenge and letting go of that desire... 

He writes "if religion only restrains the excesses of revenge, but let's the spirit still live within you in lesser instances, your religion may have made your life a little more outwardly decent, but not made you at all happier, or easier in yourself. But if you have once sacrificed all ideas of revenge, in obedience to God,  and are resolved to return good for evil at all times, that you may render yourself more like to God, and fitter for his mercy in the kingdom of love and glory; this is the height of virtue that will make you feel it's happiness."

Here we see again that if we let go of the things that trap us, and bind us, we are truly free to have a more full life - A life available to be used by God and to give him glory. 

This journey is my own

In this day and age, of Facebook and status updates and like, it can be difficult to find satisfaction in the audience of one. It's great actually, to be able to go anywhere in much of the country and know that I have a friend and we could get coffee or share a meal.

This way of living is something I least expected. In our early marriage with a working and college-bound husband, I spent all my time with the littles and virtually none with other people. I tried hard to be like other married with children Christian women I saw, but I couldn't do it. The girls, being a year apart each, didn't demand but really did need a lot more of my attention that I could share. And they didn't really enjoy children's classes and nurseries, probably due to the fact that since I didn't go out and didn't do things with other people they didn't know what to do with them either... But don't get me wrong, we were out; the girls and I spent many many hours walking and riding buses and traveling about the edges of Portland to get things done and to accomplish the things that needed to happen to run our household, we just didn't do that with other people. And I practiced attachment parenting, which had me using a stroller seldom and carrying the girls in packs or a sling frequently. Taking them with me places rather than leaving them behind.  Breast-feeding and cosleeping and really just a different form a parenting which didn't fit very well with the other women I met. There was a lot of baby-wise in those years...

I consider those early years to be pivotal in the reason why I struggle so much in living with an audience of one. Looking back, I did want to fit in. I couldn't put my family through the things that would've been required to help me fit in, but I really did want to. 

Thankfully, there were such things at that time as message boards online and lots and lots of books. So the girls and I did everything together and I made friends with a handful of people on the Internet. We chatted about our lives on a message board on the moms online network, encouraging one another, answering questions, praying for each other, and generally just being friends - without ever seeing one another face-to-face.  I don't even think that we had profile pictures when it first began... Maybe they can answer that question. This was way before Facebook, before MySpace...  these were the years of instant messenger, and you've got mail, and very simple flip cell phones, and dial-up internet - or maybe if you were super lucky you had the new DSL. We got DSL in 1999, what an amazing thing. 

This type of friendship helped me very much as I wasn't really even able to go to church due to the challenge of having some of the only kids that needed to stay in the cry room with their parents. 

So when we moved, and the girls and I made our way about this town where everything is slower and people aren't necessarily on a mission to get something done, I found I was able to start making friends. In real life.   

It was exhilarating, and it was something that I hadn't been able to experience since high school. Which is why, probably anyway, I initially had the maturity of a high school student. Fumbling about trying to make friends, trying to appease people, and generally not being myself. At the same time of course, being the mom to three girls and the wife of Jake, and spending time with my sister-in-law's who lived with us on and off, trying to help them mature and grow up to. 

At about 28, I pretty much crashed in every way imaginable. Not only was I blindsided by some crazy things in my life emotionally and mentally, but I was tired. It wouldn't let up!

Enter clinical depression which gave way to PTSD, and even though it was difficult I still tried to fake it with people for a little while longer. It was growing more difficult and my faith was sort of in a crisis. I was becoming very frustrated and upset at God, a theme that I had originally gone through 10 years prior, and of course not happy that I had to do it again. 

Thankfully I had all those friends that I've met online... Their friendship, wisdom, and prayer was critical in the next couple years as I struggled very deeply in my real world life.

But this was still via email and periodic phone calls, there was no social media networking website that would accommodate us. 

Enter the crash. There was a year in which the bottom dropped out and I was just completely devastated. Friendships betrayed me, my mind betrayed me, my body betrayed me and I was a wreck. 

I could no longer live anyway of my life appeasing those about me. I had to begin to live for an audience of one. I had to learn that my identity is in Christ, and I had to learn that I was created and I was planned and I was fashioned - that my temperament and personality and my strengths and weaknesses are all gifts from God to turn me into the woman he wants me to be. 

I'm thankful there was no Facebook. 

I'm thankful for a singer songwriter named Sara Groves who wrote the song which captures precisely the words that I keep repeating through this post...  this journey is my own. 

It's been an interesting journey, and I'm thankful I'm not done yet. And I'm thankful now to have Facebook, but only because I have a very well grounded concept of who I am. I'm thankful for friends in real life that have been there through it all and didn't abandon ship when I went off the deep end, and for friends online who I've been blessed by for 15 years - give or take. I can hop a plane and go anywhere in this country and enjoy a meal and conversation and come back home and share the pictures with everybody else on Facebook - and it's a wonderful thing! 

I still struggle with the competition among women, but honestly more because I don't see the value in it than because I want to be part of it. I want all women to find true freedom too! 

Freedom. This is the thing we are given, freedom. Not a freedom to be who we want to be or get what we want...  but freedom to live as the people we were created to be. Unique, with different likes and dislikes, with passions and talents that help us form part of the body of Christ - not a club - but a multi-faceted body with many members!

Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one.... this journey is my own.

Parenting

So this is an opportunity for me to share all that I know about parenting.

Ready?

Okay here goes.... One day you have a baby, and you have no idea what to do.. and you just start to roll with it. You make decisions about things that you've never thought about before, and you do that on as much sleep as you can get. 

Repeat until the kids move out. 

So in all seriousness that's the gist of it, but I would add one note that I found to be the most beneficial thing our household....  parents, know your children. Learn their quirks and their temperament and their logic and their inquisitiveness. Learn what comforts them and what angers them ... Learn their likes and dislikes, their opinions, their friends, their shows, and their favorite food. Don't waste the very brief opportunity that you have with them young... Because when they're old, if you haven't taken the time, you won't be able to find it.

In the end you do just roll with it. Roll well!

Days

Last night I discovered I have my voice back. And before you get too confused, you have to know I'm not referring to my verbal voice. This is my sharing voice, the voice that prompts creativity and the written word and all kinds of fun like that. 

I've had no words since April, or, well .. a smattering here and a couple there but really no words at all... My mind has been rushing around while full and blank all at the same time. 

Instead of getting too frustrated about it, I rolled with it. I spent time reading a little, and spent time in silence, and I walked my dogs and I was home. 

Our family got along well this summer; despite having two full-time working parents, the girls seemed to thrive! They started finding ways to spend their time without us; visiting aunties and volunteering. 

Despite that, I felt an increasing level of mom guilt as summer wore on. I made sure to do all those things that I know are good, cooking with them and TV with them and reading them and talking to them and walking with them and yet… I still felt guilt. 

Just being brutally honest here. I don't believe in any way that is my job to make my daughters happy at every moment.  I also believe that they're doing quite well despite my failures and my feelings of guilt. 

Life in the balance. We are created with all kinds of things - skills and abilities, tasks and interests, likes and dislikes, roles and responsibilities... Sometimes two or more intersect in a way that is more like a collision. It's hard not to be bitter or frustrated or angry or upset; but if we trust that each season has a purpose and objective, and with the Lord as our king, we can do it. Here's to next summer and doing better and feeling less guilt. 

I still prefer fall!

Summer light fades...

I love fall.

I know its not officially fall yet, and certainly not here in the PNW - where we tend toward summers that extend into October - but, for me, waking up this weekend to cooler weather, knowing that the girls go back to school next week... I'm in fall mode.

Tedras Thai Peanut Chicken

Well that was a busy summer... I've learned a lot and now fall is almost here again!

I'm sharing a recipe today - a recipe from an amazing friend for an easy amazing dish!

Per Tedra:
Thai Peanut Chicken

4 boneless skinless chicken breasts
1/2 cup peanut butter (I use crunchy)
1/3 cup honey
1/4 cup soy sauce
2 tbsp curry powder

Combine above ingredients, marinate chicken in mixture for one hour. Grill Chicken.

(My Twist)

Cover bottom of a rimmed baking dish with chicken breast tenderloins - usually 2+ pounds (broiler pan works great.) Double all ingredients, spread over chicken, bake at 400 for 20 minutes. Turn chicken pieces and bake until the chicken is cooked through. Serve chicken and sauce with rice. 

*repost* Life... post trip 2009

Life is like a long term mission with short term trips that intersect the daily ...

(Acts 1:8; you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, Judea, and Samaria, and to the ends of the Earth)

Who I am?

Who are they?

Sarah was 18months old when we moved to Estacada, and we found a small local church to attend. The first Sunday my husband visited there was a mission presentation given by the team which and just returned from India. He left church that day with the thought that he, himself, would go. He didn’t know when, but he knew he would.

At the time, we had a stack of toddlers at home and missions trips were FAR from my mind. So far, in fact, that I don’t even remember their presentation! (I was probably hanging out with my toddlers in a classroom that day!)

The next spring, though, we prepared and sent jakes little sister out with the team. And the next year, Jake himself went. By that point Sarah was about 4, and we had moved out to Eagle Creek where we live  now. Jakes trip was very trying for me; I was frustrated and lonely and confused about so many things – I learned much about my dependence on Jake and how I had placed him above God in my life. Ultimately it was a very healing time in my life, and I probably wouldn’t have learned a thing if he hadn’t gone.

I was approached to consider going the following year and I was nervous, but excited, and mostly confident I was to go... We coordinated kids, schedules, and plans, and I was able to go that year (and the next) while Jake stayed home and our daughters spent time in the lives of other families!

The spiritual darkness that met me in India; seeing the poverty and hearing the words of those who have no hope, greatly impacted me and changed my whole perspective. First I recognized my abundance here at home and then I recognized that I want to be a world changer.

But I was stumped by the question “how can a mom be a world changer?” We typically think of “world changers” as those people who make it onto the television, or move overseas, or even just help their community rebuild after a disaster. Not so sure I am ever going to be one of those folks...

I took a step back and evaluated my role with my kids. By that time they were all solidly in Elementary School – we were involved in our local church and had done some things in the community with them to encourage their own ability to serve. I knew that I wanted them to have a broader perspective but I couldn’t imagine the way that God would teach it to them!

As we all prayed about the trip for 2009, Jake and I were confident that we were to go together (for the first time.) When we both applied for the team, we were asked to consider taking the kids also. To be perfectly honest, taking our kids was not something I had ever thought of. I was rather a bit shocked and I concluded, like Gideon, that God would have to do something pretty darn unique to let me know that he really wanted us all to go, because taking three little girls to India on a short term trip isn’t just something you do every day!

We prayed and began to prepare for our family to go. We had money to raise, passports to acquire, and arrangements to make. We were going as part of a team, so we trained with our team and I was very unsure about how the girls would really fit once we were on the road.

God is pretty amazing and gave us several clear signs that we were really supposed to go – We needed about $11,000 for our family to go – and it all came in (some at the eleventh hour) Our girls teachers were all very supportive and actually told them they would be praying for our family – a miracle in this day and age and a blessing to me as I think about it even now...

It all came together and we flew.

Our team was incredibly supportive, and our kids were amazing. The team carried the burden much better than I had ever imagined they could. I decided it would be best for me to strictly be mom on this trip, rather than taking on a team role – that is a decision that I am very glad I made. I was able to give of myself completely every day to the kids; an act of grace I still marvel at now, when I am spent but the day isn’t over yet...

I knew there were many people praying back home because, well, with three kids there are three different personalities, three different kinds of mischief each moment, three different picky tummys, three different possible disasters waiting to happen.... And yet, everything went incredibly smooth.

Looking back, I can recall some key things that were impressed upon our kids and family that have shaped my perspective as a mom to this day: One, the girls were able to see people they knew from home live out their faith in the field. They heard the testimony of the work of God in the lives of our teammates, heard the gospel presented, and saw our team work with the orphans and the strangers. They were included to do what only they could do best – being kids. They were encouraged to play and be friends, and that opened a lot of opportunities for us all!

Two, we were all reminded of the fact that God has a plan and he can work it out without any trouble at all. The gift of financial resourcing was not kept hidden from the kids – they both prayed with us for provision and saw it come through in miraculous ways. Our health and the opportunity we had to share the gospel also revealed the perfect plan God had for that trip at that time.

I spoke to Sarah today about the trip and asked her what she really remembers. Her response, of course had to do with kids and friends and food. But she also said, it makes me really think about how much I have. India is a VERY poor country and our kids saw firsthand how differently life is lived outside of  America. I think the ability to take the kids on a short term trip has impacted our long term mission in ways we won’t ever fully comprehend. They are your typical American kids, with an overabundance of stuff and the usual busy schedule. But every so often lessons we learned together in ministry in India come back in the way they behave, in the way they relate, and in the way they perceive the world at large.

As a mom, this entire journey (which isn’t over yet) has been quite an adventure. But it’s one that I  wouldn’t trade for anything. I realize that we can all be world changers – as it all begins at home.As for the future, who knows? The girls are getting older, and want to go back to India to see their friends and serve some more. Perhaps we will go again as a family. Or perhaps they will be drawn away from Estacada at some point as adults. But in the meantime, my ultimate goal as a mom is to impart who I am in Christ to my children; as I live and grow more Christ-like, my kids are watching and learning from my example and hopefully, learning themselves to live their life on purpose.

The great commission given by Christ to the Disciples speaks to us as women and moms just as powerfully as it did to the original listeners. Our “Jerusalem” begins in Our living room – we don’t even have to open the front door!

Thirty Days

The month of June has thirty days... and June is the month of my birth, and roses!

Anyway. I've been silent and absent and learning a bit of.. well... you shall see.

1. my home is a space for little kids to jump on the bed
2. our bodies were not designed for desk work
3. counting calories is a way for this woman to gain weight
4. changing roles is very hard
5. practicing whitespace... 
6. stunning bits of clarity about the american faith tradition, which is so very different from my friends in India and Haiti

We are totally blessed in this new house. Every day I think of those that prayed and helped and I'm just amazed. What an extraordinary set of gifts we have been given! The open floor plan provides ample space for 30+ people to mingle, while the upstairs haven provides a place for children to laugh, run, jump and play!

The true reason for my silence and absence in the written and digital world rests on my physical body. I seem to be undergoing this thing called aging, and the exclusive toll thus far is to my right arm. Most specifically, my work has me at a desk for 8 hours a day, and so when I get home my shoulder and elbow are screaming in pain... leaving no room for any further use. They say its arthritis, pinched nerves,  and a bit of a problem with a rib. I say, cut it off! They assure me that would be a worse situation... so I have settled into a delightful routine of ice, rest, ibuprofen, and physical therapy. Can there be a worse situation for a reader and periodic writer?

I spent the month tracking my food and exercise, which I cannot do much of, due to the right arm issue mentioned above. Anyway, I'm humbled to admit that I gained weight while watching what I eat, and I'm now again rather done with that. Back to what I know, that which assisted in 85 pound weight loss... I must take an axe to the fast food, the restaurant, and the coffee shop. I must also ditch the soda. And... I must start making my healthy breakfasts and lunches each morning. Go Team black coffee and water. YAY!

Roles... routines... and everything in between! SO, in the house I'm adapting to the older teenager; we have three in high school in the fall. They are cooking for one another while I'm at work, and even cooking for me some evenings! The house isn't particularly kept as well as a homemaker would have it, but for a stack of teenage girls it is quite fine indeed! In the community I'm releasing some well worn shoes for none at all. I'm going to walk barefoot for a while as I see what lies ahead on this path. And at the office, I've officially given my desk away. My space of employ for 5.75 years, given to another. The tasks have been divided for the two of us and we set off at a run this past Monday. This change is the most scary for me.... It is difficult to allow someone else to do what you've done so  long... While working on new projects and growing in new ways. I'm still there, tucked in with a new view!

Whitespace... Here we dive into some things that are a little more personal and a little more about my faith. I picked up a book this past month and I didn't know what was in it. I'll be honest, I thought it was going to be a book about taking time to rest. Well. First let me say it was a very good book and I heartily recommend it: Finding Spiritual Whitespace: Awakening your soul to rest. I will say that in reading this book I was brought back to a stack of things in my life that I keep tucking back into the corners. They say appearances are deceiving, and I have to agree... Each of us puts on an appearance that we are comfortable sharing with the world, and over time, we can even begin to deceive ourselves. This deception of self most affects our relationship with God - who knows us most intimately... He knows the moments of our life that have caused us to wall off, to hide, to run, or to escape. He also knows the moments of our life which shape our understanding and beliefs about him.  I challenge you to consider cracking this book!

A final bit for today. Having done a bit of traveling outside of the USA, I often wonder at the beliefs and practices of the church. In both Haiti and India, spiritual warfare is understood and prayer for illumination and against the demonic is common. I initially considered the fact that, well, we go to this baptist church, and baptists are very low key in their faith practices.. but the more I read, the more I have the opportunity to stumble upon things that make me fall of my chair (if I'm sitting on one!) Here Goes:

It was Gerald Heard who said : "Newton banished God from nature, Darwin banished Him from life, and now Freud has banished Him from His last stronghold, the soul." I wish to introduce that, if for great numbers of our contemporaries the effect of Newton, Darwin, and Freud has been to banish the divine, it has even more emphatically been to banish the demonic. St  Paul's "Principalities and powers" - the "spirit forces of evil" whose malignant grip upon the souls called forth "a second Adam to the fight and to the rescue" - are now known, we are told, to have been mere apocalyptic imagination.

This may not cause you to aha quite as much as it caused me, when I read it in James Stewarts "A Faith to Proclaim" - but for me, it answered such a large question. Why is it that there is such a KEY difference between the peoples belief about spiritual warfare... ah... what the culture teaches the people! The influence of the church on peoples beliefs has diminished quite a lot in the American culture, when JS wrote this book it was still the church that did much teaching... and the church was all over the board in his opinion! But now, it is culture that teaches us, even though the church teaches us much... the culture sways stronger, so much that it is more common for us to fight for the truth of creation in light of evolution...  than it is for us to talk about the root of the issue

the house that God built

The honeymoon phase is over… But the house is still amazing!

Sometimes we think, oh, surely… surely if I get this or if that happens… surely then I will be happy, we will be better, things will be lovely... but the truth is, we bring ourselves into every new and better thing!

Even in a new home, the issues we face are those we brought with us; off kilter schedules, differing opinions, unpleasant habits…

So, the true method is to greet each day with a new measure of grace. Grace for ourselves and for one another.

And be thankful for all of the places we are in, the new and the old, the challenging and the exciting. 

Truly grateful to live in the house that God built!

Oh mama where ya been?

This is what I'm into, what I'm up to, where I've been sort of update....

What I'm into… Well, our family has moved... The dream house is a dream and is no longer a dream.. it's reality!  It is a dream because honestly it is utterly amazing!

This is the house that God built. 

So what else is new? I am privileged to be able to take part in leadership training through my work and I'm excited because it will apply so well to many areas of my life, not just at work.

I'm dealing with some new physical challenges that are redirecting me from the computer... and dreaming of working someday with people. I am on a team that is developing a feasibility study for our area which will provide us some input for growth. If I have my way, I will spend my 50's and 60's running a community center and being a liaison between people and local resources, sharing Christ where I can!

offering

Rain falls gently on the skylight as I ponder...

This is holy week. Today I pour out my alabaster jar and worship the risen Christ, not a dead god but a risen Lord.

Many hours, many days, many years... it has taken a lifetime thus far to reach today.

Our business here is to live right on, to be presently here where we are, fully attending to the things before us while always in prayer and worship. This is a tough thing, this living, uncommon and awkward. We prefer action and activity over it. We prefer to believe we have a lot of say in how things go... And so our living ebbs and flows..

Well, my living ebbs and flows. You may be a saint. 

But today, today... I will take a moment today to pause. Maybe a good long moment...

Pause to truly give honor to the one who gave me this life... this living before me.

I was asked last night what my life was like before Christ. "dead" I said. I have no other words than that all encompassing word.

And so I think about this living. This love, this grace, this wonder. This hope, this joy, this peace.

And I think too, of my pride, my selfish ambition, my lack of humility... so many words to describe my entangling sins flash before my eyes when I pause to celebrate.

They shout UNWORTHY...

They prick at my living and weaken my faith...

I know whom I have believed in... and he is able...

So I breathe deeper, draw quieter... Releasing all of me into the hands of my redeemer....
and weeping, pour my offering at his feet. 

Easter, Christ, and the Cross

This is a post about love.

I have been inhaling some new-to-me books I bought which were written by James Stewart. His simple and clear language is a delight to me as I process through this season.

Easter is around the corner, and the blood of christ has been on my mind.  The blood shed by a king so loving that he shed it for me...  The nails and the sweat and the blood... each step saying, this I do out of love for you.. but do you love me?

I confess that many times I do not love Christ as I ought. I go about my days, bumbling and busy as I always appear, and I fail to pause. I fail to recognize the simple sweet reality that I am his.

Not this year. This year I have been mesmerized by this Jesus. Jesus, who in his very nature God, did not let equality with God to be his goal, but rather put on the flesh of a simple human... taking our form, walking in our world, being like us. Jesus, who brings life from death. Jesus, who loves us when we know not, cares when we cannot, and persists when we dare not.

This Jesus speaks to me. He says, come to me. Walk my way. Trust in me. He says, I know your world, your ways, your options...but my ways and my world are so much more... Don't fall for the trap that this is all there is, that there is no hope, that there is no future. Walk with me and I will take you farther than you can begin to fathom.

This Jesus. He drew a handful of men from the wildest of groups... giving us a first look at the church, with a tax collector working alongside fishermen alongside the rest... He didn't collect them from the proper realm; no, that would have been too easy, too much like the rest. He took those that couldn't see themselves and called them by name.

Just as he does to us.

Just as he did Paul - who says so many times that the love of Christ compelled him... Once Saul, once an adamant pharisee;  now Paul, willing to do anything to teach, to encourage, to share...

The love of Christ compels me.

As we draw close to Easter, let us not forget that it was love that paved the way to the cross.