Hard things

Time to talk about some hard things. Things like anger and bitterness... As I mentioned yesterday, I've had some experiences with people that have left me hesitant and unsure about other people, particularly women. 

I was only able to start making true, in real life, local friends after coming to grips with who God is, who I am, and what my life really is to be lived for. Only after I stopped chasing the approval of the world. 

Being hurt and wronged can make a person hard and unsure... I think that until I was able to release people I was looking to exact revenge somehow. 

Justice. 

That beautiful word. Justice. We use it all the time and usually we use it in contexts that it really does apply to. Things like human trafficking, and hunger, and persecution. 

Sometimes though, we use it out of anger against those that hurt us. And that's where I found myself for a long time. Harboring resentment and bitterness. Wanting things to be my way - my right way. 

Last night I was reading a book that I've been trying to read this year - it's a hard one. Written in 1728 by William Law, "A Serious Call to a Devout and Holy Life" is an interesting and highly blunt perspective on how to live a holy life pursuing Christ. In reading it I found the topic for today... I believe he captures really beautifully the idea of the difference between desiring revenge and letting go of that desire... 

He writes "if religion only restrains the excesses of revenge, but let's the spirit still live within you in lesser instances, your religion may have made your life a little more outwardly decent, but not made you at all happier, or easier in yourself. But if you have once sacrificed all ideas of revenge, in obedience to God,  and are resolved to return good for evil at all times, that you may render yourself more like to God, and fitter for his mercy in the kingdom of love and glory; this is the height of virtue that will make you feel it's happiness."

Here we see again that if we let go of the things that trap us, and bind us, we are truly free to have a more full life - A life available to be used by God and to give him glory. 

This journey is my own

In this day and age, of Facebook and status updates and like, it can be difficult to find satisfaction in the audience of one. It's great actually, to be able to go anywhere in much of the country and know that I have a friend and we could get coffee or share a meal.

This way of living is something I least expected. In our early marriage with a working and college-bound husband, I spent all my time with the littles and virtually none with other people. I tried hard to be like other married with children Christian women I saw, but I couldn't do it. The girls, being a year apart each, didn't demand but really did need a lot more of my attention that I could share. And they didn't really enjoy children's classes and nurseries, probably due to the fact that since I didn't go out and didn't do things with other people they didn't know what to do with them either... But don't get me wrong, we were out; the girls and I spent many many hours walking and riding buses and traveling about the edges of Portland to get things done and to accomplish the things that needed to happen to run our household, we just didn't do that with other people. And I practiced attachment parenting, which had me using a stroller seldom and carrying the girls in packs or a sling frequently. Taking them with me places rather than leaving them behind.  Breast-feeding and cosleeping and really just a different form a parenting which didn't fit very well with the other women I met. There was a lot of baby-wise in those years...

I consider those early years to be pivotal in the reason why I struggle so much in living with an audience of one. Looking back, I did want to fit in. I couldn't put my family through the things that would've been required to help me fit in, but I really did want to. 

Thankfully, there were such things at that time as message boards online and lots and lots of books. So the girls and I did everything together and I made friends with a handful of people on the Internet. We chatted about our lives on a message board on the moms online network, encouraging one another, answering questions, praying for each other, and generally just being friends - without ever seeing one another face-to-face.  I don't even think that we had profile pictures when it first began... Maybe they can answer that question. This was way before Facebook, before MySpace...  these were the years of instant messenger, and you've got mail, and very simple flip cell phones, and dial-up internet - or maybe if you were super lucky you had the new DSL. We got DSL in 1999, what an amazing thing. 

This type of friendship helped me very much as I wasn't really even able to go to church due to the challenge of having some of the only kids that needed to stay in the cry room with their parents. 

So when we moved, and the girls and I made our way about this town where everything is slower and people aren't necessarily on a mission to get something done, I found I was able to start making friends. In real life.   

It was exhilarating, and it was something that I hadn't been able to experience since high school. Which is why, probably anyway, I initially had the maturity of a high school student. Fumbling about trying to make friends, trying to appease people, and generally not being myself. At the same time of course, being the mom to three girls and the wife of Jake, and spending time with my sister-in-law's who lived with us on and off, trying to help them mature and grow up to. 

At about 28, I pretty much crashed in every way imaginable. Not only was I blindsided by some crazy things in my life emotionally and mentally, but I was tired. It wouldn't let up!

Enter clinical depression which gave way to PTSD, and even though it was difficult I still tried to fake it with people for a little while longer. It was growing more difficult and my faith was sort of in a crisis. I was becoming very frustrated and upset at God, a theme that I had originally gone through 10 years prior, and of course not happy that I had to do it again. 

Thankfully I had all those friends that I've met online... Their friendship, wisdom, and prayer was critical in the next couple years as I struggled very deeply in my real world life.

But this was still via email and periodic phone calls, there was no social media networking website that would accommodate us. 

Enter the crash. There was a year in which the bottom dropped out and I was just completely devastated. Friendships betrayed me, my mind betrayed me, my body betrayed me and I was a wreck. 

I could no longer live anyway of my life appeasing those about me. I had to begin to live for an audience of one. I had to learn that my identity is in Christ, and I had to learn that I was created and I was planned and I was fashioned - that my temperament and personality and my strengths and weaknesses are all gifts from God to turn me into the woman he wants me to be. 

I'm thankful there was no Facebook. 

I'm thankful for a singer songwriter named Sara Groves who wrote the song which captures precisely the words that I keep repeating through this post...  this journey is my own. 

It's been an interesting journey, and I'm thankful I'm not done yet. And I'm thankful now to have Facebook, but only because I have a very well grounded concept of who I am. I'm thankful for friends in real life that have been there through it all and didn't abandon ship when I went off the deep end, and for friends online who I've been blessed by for 15 years - give or take. I can hop a plane and go anywhere in this country and enjoy a meal and conversation and come back home and share the pictures with everybody else on Facebook - and it's a wonderful thing! 

I still struggle with the competition among women, but honestly more because I don't see the value in it than because I want to be part of it. I want all women to find true freedom too! 

Freedom. This is the thing we are given, freedom. Not a freedom to be who we want to be or get what we want...  but freedom to live as the people we were created to be. Unique, with different likes and dislikes, with passions and talents that help us form part of the body of Christ - not a club - but a multi-faceted body with many members!

Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one.... this journey is my own.

On Raising Girls

Early in my momma journey my mind went totally panicky. There I was, raising GIRLS! 

Girls.

Even the doctor’s office was apprehensive; they did three ultrasounds on my last girl, just to be sure. The very reality of three girls led many people to say things like “oh, wow. Just wait until they are teenagers.”  

Yes, three girls. 

Not only that, but they are incredibly close in age. In fact, right now they are 16, 15, and 13. 9. I added the point nine to be very clear about how close they are in age. Said another way, Rachel and Sarah are 2-1/2 years apart. With Emily in the middle!

Early on I knew that I had everything stacking against us. People are afraid of teenagers, teenage girls particularly, and since I am neither afraid of teenagers nor afraid of teenage girls I decided to give it a fighting chance. That and it has taken me a long time to grow up, so maybe I was feeling a little like a teenager myself at the beginning. 

Let’s tear this up a bit. I was nineteen when I became pregnant with Rachel. I had spent my teenage years on the sofas and in the care of friends, rather than family. I knew few people who were married, few of my friends had a set of parents at home, and I wasn’t married either. As far as girls go, I was much closer to boy; my first THREE closest friends in my life were boys, I got along better with boys than girls, and I preferred hard work to ease. I had done my hair the same way since 7^th grade, wore little makeup, and hated shopping. I was, practically, the LAST person in the world equipped to raise girls. 

And yet, I love it. I love these girls, who they are becoming, and who I have become.  I even know how to put makeup on now!

So, to encourage those would be could be mommas out there, those that are desperate for some sort of encouragement with their passel, or some humor, or something to argue about, here it is. Here is everything I know about raising these girls. 

My first stop when pregnant, after I decided I could do this thing and told my fiancé, was buy a book. Not just any book, this was the late 90’s and I needed to know what to expect! And then I wasn’t convinced so I bought another book, of an unremarkable title, but I did like it better. 

More stable, and full of caffeine from my lovely gig at a coffee shop, I went on through the pregnancy uneventful day after uneventful day, until I was just about ready to settle into the momma role when I dumped several coffees on a group of business people and their laptops. I survived, I think their laptops did too, but from that day I stuck to simpler things like vacuuming. 

And then, Rachel was born. And I realized that those books, well, they didn’t help me much with this BABY! So I did what any normal mom would do, I cried. There were more books to my rescue, and thankfully the internet in its antique form. How desperately I needed those moms online forums! How critical AIM was to my survival!

I quickly became a follower of attachment parenting. It made the most sense to me, then and still now, and while I wasn’t a 100% die hard follower, I did embrace a number of things which I think helped us get to where we are today. 

I found the encouragement I needed to breastfeed my girls, each as long as they were able. Sarah was the longest, as she was also my youngest… If I tell you I nursed her two years I would be lying; same with five. It was somewhere in there though, just to be honest. Rachel holds the record for briefest time due to becoming pregnant with Emily and some archaic medical advice. She survived her loss with no hard feelings, and is quite fine to this day! 

I loved wearing my girls. I had a sling, a front pack, and a backpack – I think I only used all three at the same time once! You see, I didn’t have a driver’s license until I was 25. Yes, I really learned to drive with three car-seats in the car!  Since I wasn’t the sort to sit about at home waiting for my husband to take me places, we did a lot of walking and taking the bus. Strollers were incredibly inconvenient and difficult to haul about. I have amazing memories of those years, and I really miss it. The sling was a staple for me until Sarah was four, at which time even using it to keep her on my hip became a bit much. 

We also co-slept, at times for comfort and at times for my sanity. By the time the three were born, there wasn’t an extra drop of sleep in the house unless it was attached to a baby. I will never forget the days of trying to get them to take a nap – Sarah was probably 2, and they all shared a room. I remember lying across their bedroom door flat on the floor just begging for five minutes!

Moving past those formative years (for all of us) I also did some things that I was chastised about, or that I complained about then, but now know that they were a gift. The girl’s shared one bedroom until Rachel was 9; and they have shared off and on since (as a matter of fact, they share a room now.) Much can be said about their generation… but one thing can be said that I know is true, all teenagers everywhere act like we encourage them to. To be both fair and clear, the girls didn’t share a room so I could teach them to be kind to one another, which is good because it hasn’t worked! They do share a room, and did so then, because we have never had four bedrooms, and because we have always had a houseguest of one sort or another – usually a family member or close friend in need of a home.  This is something I hope we were able to instill in them, an overall loving and compassionate heart. Depth of character is worth far more than being ultra kind to your sister every day, all the time (which I think will work itself out anyway!) 

I wasn’t involved in women’s stuff, children’s stuff, or anything that we weren’t part of together. I did try a number of times, when the girls were tiny. But in the end, between my incredible insecurities and their absolute loathing of all things “care” – we spent a lot of time as a single little hurricane of girl. This cost me dearly, as friends couldn’t understand, as I couldn’t understand, as the church couldn’t understand, as family couldn’t understand. But, as is so often said, in hindsight, it was good.

Have I overlooked anything? 

Hmm.  Well, not that I can remember!

So, here we are with a house full of teenage girls, with teenage hormones and all the chaos that brings. Here is my advice, taken directly from our day to day life, and not proven to work as my oldest has yet to move out.

Rule One – know your children. I was incredibly blessed to get to know each one as a unique person, as they are uniquely different. They respond, react, and behave very different from one another.  If I tried to parent them identically I would be completely undone. 

Rule Two – sleep. Oh yes, being tired is the common cause for their psychotic episodes - see rule one for help identifying other triggers. Encourage them to sleep when they seem to need it. Naps are cheap. And take them yourself, as often as you are able. A clean house isn’t worth your exhaustion. 

Rule Three – Keep a hidden stash of chocolate. Lots of it. Chocolate, surprisingly, works as well as sleep. Dole it out like you give treats to pets. Pop it into their lunchbox, surprise them with brownies. Brownie mix works great as a Christmas gift! As a perk, if you share with them, they share with you. 

Rule Four – DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY. I was privileged to have a couple teenage girls in our home when these three were tiny. Their impact was so helpful! They were crazed, and crazy, and none of it could possibly be my fault! I realized, hey – wait a minute – ALL teenagers can be like this, and it is often just directed at whomever (or whatever) is in view. So don’t take things too personally. They don’t hate you, even when they say it. This will pass, and the less personally you take it, the faster and better it will be. 

Rule Five – keep being the parent. I’ve learned to say bummer a lot. I don’t bother with the word no very often; it is an overused and actually inaccurate word. Usually they know a “no” when it is before them. They may ask some hilarious question, or demand something ridiculous… They will try; they would be fools not to. Shoot, I still try, and yes, I guess I’m still foolish! 

Rule Six – let them own their mistakes and pain. Oh, did one fail today, on a test perhaps, or in character? I will be really blunt and tell you that pointing their weakness out as anything other than being human will get you nowhere. They know when they have screwed up, and your dissection of it will create a bigger rift than necessary today. There will surely be a day to talk about it, and you may have to talk consequences right away, but don’t dissect in the moment. For the love of God, please hear my words. Teenagers, especially those about 13-16, are very attune to your words. And many already think they are one step shy of being a horrible rotten failure. That is all part of being a teenager.  This is another area where I use the word bummer a lot. Usually it goes something like, oh, how did you do on that test today? … Oh, you failed? Bummer, it must suck to have to retake it. Or maybe… Is there anything you need from me that you haven’t told me? Tutoring? No? Okay then. I hope it works out better for you next time! Let me know if you need anything from me. Be a truth giver, not a critic. 

Rule Seven – keep talking. This looks contrary to what I just said, but here me out. The only way you will have a next time to talk with your kids is if you talk with them all the time. If you don’t take the time with them, they won’t take the time with you. (Sound familiar to any other relationships?) Talk life, love, faith, hope, college, dreams, boys, sex, drugs, alcohol, gardens, seeds, pets, plants, friends, enemies, tv, music, games, books, anime, YouTube, food, cooking, parties, clothing… the list is long and could be longer.  Be yourself, be authentic, be real, and keep talking.  

Rule Eight – teach them to fly. By being real and authentic, you are showing them what life is. Practice your faith, rather than just exercising it. Do your best to love your spouse and work on that relationship to the best of your ability. Give generously, if you are a giver. Love freely, if you are a lover. Dance, sing, cry, smile… do all of these things and more with your whole self. 

Rule Nine – let them go. Give them room to fly on their own. My house is full of my girl’s art, our kitchen is easily shared, and my time is generally theirs. Rachel goes to an awesome school in another district; she really wanted to go so we worked together to make it happen. Emily has spoken often of her desire to be a doctor, and so we have been praying and seeking and she just made the decision to join the military. Sarah is sunshine, and just this year I happened upon a cool college program that sounded like a fit for her; it was so fun to share that with her and dream together! We started dreaming when they were each in the sixth grade, and it has been a fun adventure!

Rule Ten – make them do their own laundry. Oh mom, I know you are not really too busy to do it for them, but DON’T. They can do quite fine at 9 years old, and you are helping them prepare for LIFE. Trust me. Who cares if they shrink their favorite shirt because THEY forgot to take it out of the dryer? Who cares if they turn their undies pink? Contrary to all of your friends (and theirs!) it really isn’t a reflection of who you are and how you manage a house. Bummer is really helpful with laundry.. and you can un-shrink a wool sweater (just do it as a surprise, it makes things fun!) Did I mention it’s good for them, and for you?

Remnants…. There are things that can’t fit so nicely so I will just tack them here. Silly things, like prepare ahead of time to always have extra deodorant, feminine products, makeup, shampoo, and razors. Keep a small kit for yourself tucked away, because you may discover a desperate need at an awkward moment.  Stay young and keep light. Laugh. Dance. Sing. Teach them to drive, it is quite fun! Budget together. Pray together. Shop together. Gift together. Travel together. Eat together. Mourn together. 

Above all, love them as best you can, and know that they are being shaped into the women this world needs. Women of faith, of character, of hope.

I am a Woman

Women, there is a dangerous current on the wind - deadly, evil, painful and damaging. It whips in and through and around like a harmless breeze, but its hooks are barbed and the pain is only felt when it is gone...

LIES

Your only worth and only value are truly found in being home with your children
Your only worth and only value are truly found in bringing home a paycheck
Your only worth and only value are truly found in being married
Your only worth and only value are truly found in being single
Your only worth and only value is found in childbearing
Your only worth and only value is found in being childless
Your only worth and only value is found in adoption
Your only worth and only value is found in missions
Your only worth and only value is found in ministry
Your only worth and only value is found in your education
Your only worth and only value is found in looking perfect
Your only worth and only value is found in keeping a spotless house
Your only worth and only value is found in doing everything for your children
Your only worth and only value is found when your children are off to college

Your only worth and only value is found when YOUR DAUGHTERS get married, stay home and raise children of their own while YOUR SONS get married, work, and pay the bills. 

LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES

I am not a paycheck mommy and You do not stay home so you can properly operate a sponge mop.

LIES

Enough of these lies. Stop spreading them, believing them, passing them along, and living them.

Rather, live in truth. There is no perfect biblical model for a family - God calls each of us into a unique relationship with him. God calls people - families and singles - into places where others think them foolish and wrong. His opportunities and His desires for you, well - they probably won't look like mine. No other person can accurately give you the truth of Gods plan for YOUR life. Please, for the sake of the Gospel, for the sake of sisterhood and womanhood and for all of our children - do not believe these lies.

Your identity is in Christ. Your value, worth, and life are found hidden in Christ. There is no church that can give you life as Christ can, no employer, no spouse, no children, no friends.

Pursue life.

Prepare for an adventure that you could never imagine.

As for me, I am grateful. I am humbled. I weep. I mourn. These lies are so dangerous and painful I wish I could mute them. I wish I could pause at your table, sit with you, and say - YOU ARE BELOVED. There is this amazing God, he loves you so. He has your life in his hands, and He knows your heart. He created you - fashioned you, and knows you intimately. Trust Him. Give him your tired, your lonely, your pain. Give him your hopes and dreams and know that he will work out a masterpiece with you. 

Jesus Feminist part deux

The heart of the matter is Jesus....

I have had friends say "what is it with this feminist thing?" This saddens me, as I don't believe any different than I did yesterday.... This feminist thing has been on my mind as long as I've been a believer. I was raised to ask questions, and questions I ask. I was given an opportunity to pursue life, and life I pursue.

Arguing sides in the gender debate isn't the point of our life here on earth, but (from my perspective at least) a major distraction from the enemy.  Ultimately... gifting, calling, and roles are given by God. I see no scriptural evidence to the contrary.

 

Consider for a moment the greatest point in Christian history. The word became flesh and dwelt among us, keeping his eyes fixed on purpose, even though he was hated, rejected, and crucified by those people that were considered to be wise on earth. Radically counter-cultural, he spoke and demons fled. He spoke and dead men rose. He didn't seem very concerned with the opinion of the religious institution of the day. His calling was laid out before him and he walked it.

 

I think what is happening is that time is coming into focus and many are being awakened. This generation is no longer content sitting idle, but rather compelled to truly live! Live your calling, live your life. No matter whether at home, at work, in the church, or in nature - pursue Jesus with all of your heart, soul mind and strength. This is the greatest commandment. This is the call on our life, and to deny that calling is to deny the Christ we believe in.

To be fair, we have a long way to go. Heaven is not in my backyard. I know there is a difficulty for some who study the bible... This difficulty stems from what I believe is the same root that led the Israelites away from seeing Christ as the Messiah. The good news is that we are no longer waiting on a Messiah, but rather a returning triumphant king. I don't have point/counterpoint references to back this up, but just a sense of the story.

One thing I know with confidence, we MUST encourage one another to press on. Press on so as to run with endurance the race set before us. Not the race others set before us, the race that is comfortable for them to have in their proximity, but the race that has been designed for you. Just a little warning here, yours may not be the most popular race... it may be filled with diapers and sticky fingers, or it may be filled with beatings and martyrdom. Run your race anyway. Connect as you can, and we will hold up your tired arms.

The words of scripture are not just words on a page to study and dissect, but LIFE giving nourishment. What good news! Some of us relate with Mary, Martha, or the woman at the well, others to the disciples of Christ. Still others, Barnabas or Prisca or Mary or Paul. Each story unique and yet, not entirely disconnected. There is a thread that ties us all together...

His name is Jesus.

So, I will say it again... yes...
I am a Jesus Feminist. 

we are family

i love how there are some people who are able to help you see things so much more clearly...

in my musings of late i have been pondering so much... stuff.

should i stay or should i go now...

if i go there will be trouble..

if i stay there will be double!

i live in a community of castles, brick walls, gates. i know with confidence i am to be here, now, but my energies are waning. how do you really live in full community when the very people you love live in a small box? when you believe in a god that is so much bigger than any of our tiny imaginations could grasp...

Could we with ink the ocean fill,

And were the skies of parchment made,

Were every stalk on earth a quill,

And every man a scribe by trade,

To write the love of God above,

Would drain the ocean dry.

Nor could the scroll contain the whole,

Though stretched from sky to sky.
(hymn - the love of god -  http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/l/o/loveofgo.htm)

i was able to get out with my girl asia again last night. i'm starting to catch a glimpse of how people can say they find jesus in the woods. i'm not there, i do believe in the communion of the saints, and the importance of the gathering, but on the other hand... when there are no barriers between us, no expectations or watching or programs or structures... i find that there is room at the table for all...

i am grateful for the family - for the words of friends, saints, who walk with their eyes fixed on jesus in the midst of everything around them, and find the third way...

Hi, I'm Lanelle and I'm a Jesus Feminist

Feminism: the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes 

The phrase "Jesus Feminist" has been floating around the web for months as a gracious, creative woman named Sarah chose to write a book. The book is titled Jesus Feminist ... and it is being released today.

This title is causing a tremendous wave of criticism and uproar... As if words cannot be properly understood any longer.....

With that, I declare myself a Jesus Feminist. 

I am Jesus Feminist because...

All people were created in the image of God & Jesus died on the cross for all of us.

God is the one who knits together and gives good gifts. I am not broken for being born female. I am not broken for having a mind, gifts, talents, and abilities...

Love and Respect are real 

Because the whole law is fulfilled in one word "you shall love your neighbor as yourself"

People die every day without hearing the truth and name of Jesus.
Whole families die every day all around the world for a lack of water and food

Women die every day as a result of withheld medical care 

Girls like Malala Yousafzai are brave enough to risk everything for an education

Women in third world nations are changing their communities by working together

Because women are still treated as property and rape is still common

Because women in our senate worked together against our government shutdown

Because I truly believe women need to step up and stand up and stop throwing their lives away - Boys need fathers not just baby-daddys

Because lists of what women can and cannot do just make me ill. Scripture is already written - do we need man-made lists?

Because I am thankful that my grandmothers generation fought for the right to vote

 We are the light to the world

Because way back in Numbers God gives a provision to women when making a vow before the Lord.  God could have simply said that women cannot make vows. What I see in this passage is a loving father who desires women and men to be in relationship with him.

Because I have three daughters. They are very important to me, and I hope they are never derailed by the war of words and definitions. My desire is that they would fix their eyes on Jesus and pursue him wholly - no matter what call he places on their life - no matter what people think - no matter what the institutional church says. Throughout scripture there are stories of men and women recklessly and fearlessly living life. That is what I want for all of our young men and women.. our sons and our daughters ... That is why I am a Jesus Feminist.

This post is part of the BEAUTIFUL Sarah Bessey's synchroblog to celebrate the release of her amazing new book, Jesus Feminist. Calling men and women to stand together for God's Kingdom come. Find the original post here.