Days

Last night I discovered I have my voice back. And before you get too confused, you have to know I'm not referring to my verbal voice. This is my sharing voice, the voice that prompts creativity and the written word and all kinds of fun like that. 

I've had no words since April, or, well .. a smattering here and a couple there but really no words at all... My mind has been rushing around while full and blank all at the same time. 

Instead of getting too frustrated about it, I rolled with it. I spent time reading a little, and spent time in silence, and I walked my dogs and I was home. 

Our family got along well this summer; despite having two full-time working parents, the girls seemed to thrive! They started finding ways to spend their time without us; visiting aunties and volunteering. 

Despite that, I felt an increasing level of mom guilt as summer wore on. I made sure to do all those things that I know are good, cooking with them and TV with them and reading them and talking to them and walking with them and yet… I still felt guilt. 

Just being brutally honest here. I don't believe in any way that is my job to make my daughters happy at every moment.  I also believe that they're doing quite well despite my failures and my feelings of guilt. 

Life in the balance. We are created with all kinds of things - skills and abilities, tasks and interests, likes and dislikes, roles and responsibilities... Sometimes two or more intersect in a way that is more like a collision. It's hard not to be bitter or frustrated or angry or upset; but if we trust that each season has a purpose and objective, and with the Lord as our king, we can do it. Here's to next summer and doing better and feeling less guilt. 

I still prefer fall!

I am a Woman

Women, there is a dangerous current on the wind - deadly, evil, painful and damaging. It whips in and through and around like a harmless breeze, but its hooks are barbed and the pain is only felt when it is gone...

LIES

Your only worth and only value are truly found in being home with your children
Your only worth and only value are truly found in bringing home a paycheck
Your only worth and only value are truly found in being married
Your only worth and only value are truly found in being single
Your only worth and only value is found in childbearing
Your only worth and only value is found in being childless
Your only worth and only value is found in adoption
Your only worth and only value is found in missions
Your only worth and only value is found in ministry
Your only worth and only value is found in your education
Your only worth and only value is found in looking perfect
Your only worth and only value is found in keeping a spotless house
Your only worth and only value is found in doing everything for your children
Your only worth and only value is found when your children are off to college

Your only worth and only value is found when YOUR DAUGHTERS get married, stay home and raise children of their own while YOUR SONS get married, work, and pay the bills. 

LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES

I am not a paycheck mommy and You do not stay home so you can properly operate a sponge mop.

LIES

Enough of these lies. Stop spreading them, believing them, passing them along, and living them.

Rather, live in truth. There is no perfect biblical model for a family - God calls each of us into a unique relationship with him. God calls people - families and singles - into places where others think them foolish and wrong. His opportunities and His desires for you, well - they probably won't look like mine. No other person can accurately give you the truth of Gods plan for YOUR life. Please, for the sake of the Gospel, for the sake of sisterhood and womanhood and for all of our children - do not believe these lies.

Your identity is in Christ. Your value, worth, and life are found hidden in Christ. There is no church that can give you life as Christ can, no employer, no spouse, no children, no friends.

Pursue life.

Prepare for an adventure that you could never imagine.

As for me, I am grateful. I am humbled. I weep. I mourn. These lies are so dangerous and painful I wish I could mute them. I wish I could pause at your table, sit with you, and say - YOU ARE BELOVED. There is this amazing God, he loves you so. He has your life in his hands, and He knows your heart. He created you - fashioned you, and knows you intimately. Trust Him. Give him your tired, your lonely, your pain. Give him your hopes and dreams and know that he will work out a masterpiece with you. 

On Hospitality

Hospitality is such a funny thing. I love people and love visiting and talking and sharing a meal - Summer is an easy season for this - throw things on the grill and hang out until the sun goes down… outside… Winter means… well, I just can't think of more than 3x in the past 10 years that our family has invited friends inside our home for a visit and a meal!

A meal from the beach in Haiti - one of the
most  incredibly poor and yet truly gracious
and hospitable places on earth

The truth is - I no longer know how to have people hang out IN MY HOME and be entertained by US. When the kids were tiny it was easy, they would be off playing and we could chat with the adults… but as they have grown and become true parts of our family, well… it’s a whole new adventure that I have no experience in! We find it easiest to fragment – for Jake to have a group over to play games while I do my own thing, or for me to have a group over to chat and eat while he does his own thing… The girls, well, they naturally follow suit. Not ideal at all!

I've been learning quite a lot about hospitality through some blogs I follow, and so I want to share my unpracticed wisdom with you -

Reluctant Entertainer – this has to be my favorite hospitality blog EVER, Sandy Coughlin is a champion for the cause of hospitality and is both Hilarious and Wise! 

Simple Bites – Part of the Simple Mom Network, I love this blog because I love food and story. Since it is designed for moms, tips are practical and often very kid friendly!

Smile and Wave – not quite on the topic of hospitality but more on creating spaces in your home and life that are well lived in, practical, and clever.

 

Our homes speak volumes about who we really are… so I would encourage you to plan an invitation into your home this month. Think about it, what better season!

One final thought. With so many working moms out there, I wanted to share a gift that I would have never thought of on my own. A daughter and I went visiting some friends who moved an hour away. We enjoyed catching up for hours (as girls would!) Dinner was served, a delicious, healthy, scratch made casserole that I MUST get the recipe for. The family is quite large and so they are used to feeding 12 – we all crashed about their large table laughing, eating, and enjoying the best food I have had in weeks. It was better than Thanksgiving (sorry fam) and I was near tears at their generosity. How much easier it would have been to bake a handful of giant pizzas?

The icing on the cake… She made 3 casseroles, 2 very large ones and one small – and she sent the small one home with me. She knows I’m busy and weeknight dinner is often served very rapidly in 30 minutes or less… I’m so excited to enjoy this meal again, with my family, on Monday night.  I’m so thankful for friendship and the blessing we have to share with others.

Share thoughts and comments with me, and Practice LIVING!

The year of 35

Summer

Non stop and super slow
With late nights, heat,  and laughter.
Never forget the laughter,
It will last long after the warmth fades.

Girls are 14,13,12.
12,13,14. In a blink they will fly.
We talk college, careers, homes of their own
Lessons on cooking, on laundry, on being kind

I'm 35..
Finally able to operate a manual transmission
I laugh, I wear what I want, and I know what I like.

Forget the mocha - give me a strong house french.
Extra spinach in the salad
pepperjack cheese
People.

I'll take ethnic over american, please
Spices, variety, flavor fusion
Dancing, smiling, mischevious grins

Video games will be the death of family
So will texting 
Get off your PHONE!

City over country, although chickens are pleasant.
No green thumb, give me a windchime!
Sometimes I think, what will I really want to remember
The year I'm 40... 50...

I think, I want to remember laughter, people, joy.
The delight of hearing Emily tell of her favorite camp foods
Rachel's passion for the world
Sarah's mastery of cooking and baking and our shared love of people.

R.E.S.T

R.E.S.T - I was blessed with 30 minutes yesterday in which I didn't have to do anything. There were, as you can see, many things I probably should be doing. But instead, I rested. I sat back, closed my eyes, sipped some coffee, and just breathed.

God loves us so much that he says, come to me, and I will give you rest... I will be your shepherd, I will provide you the perfect way... the door is open, if you would come...

Jesus spent so much time in prayer and seeking the will of God, and we... rush about crazy. I do wonder what we think we will be able to accomplish...

Rachel, the eldest, is preparing to travel to Haiti next weekend with myself and a team of 10 others...  She shared her favorite verse with me...  and I share it with you...

Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name. Psalm 86:11 ESV

Copper spends all day wandering about this house while I'm at work... and he still loves this mirror. I know, absolutely random... but I think its a pretty good "snapshot" of Copper...

Bonswa!

Home and...

Today is the very last day of school for the three...
(note to self, take last day next year off work)

The dogs aren't happy with the weather, as their walks are limited...
(note to self, find doggy coats, ha!)

I don't really feel like I'm at home yet.. because I've not been.. daily working and nightly errand running with one or more... it feels like all I do is spin around in a circle pouring away gasoline...
(note to self, breathe. and make no commitments at all beginning tomorrow morning!)

Speaking of home... the house is not unpacked. pile, pile, pile... ugh ugh ugh... 
I don't know of any good tips for that. Perhaps in my next week without commitments I will have some time to nest...

Cars and keys...
Make sure you always have a spare set. I'm learning that replacing keys when they are completely gone is a very hard and expensive task... SIGH.

But all is not hopeless and stressful and busy, never fear. It just feels like it right now.
L.

Pursuing Slow Time

I'm about to be 35 years old and I thrive in the city...
This year I started an adventure in getting to know Lanelle - might sound silly but I wonder if you know who you really are... I found some interesting places where I was clashing with myself. I discovered some deep longings and passions that were pretty important to me, more important than I had been letting on... As a working mom with three amazing daughters, I began to recognize the necessity of slowing down so I do not crash completely ...

I began to call one thing I was longing for "slow time" ... I've concluded that my short term trips to India probably sparked this in me... or kindled embers that had been there all along...

The center point in life is Christ, and living free with Him... Here's my attempt at defining the ring around the center of this longing in my soul -

Emily, Asia, and Copper

time to really breathe
time to cook a meal
time for joy and laughter
time for adventure
time to prepare healthy lunches
time to read and really rest
time to pray
time to be flexible
time for the people around me
time to talk and drink a cup of coffee with friends... with strangers..

Introducing my version of slow time.

At work, I answer the phone all day. At  home, I leave the ringers off.
Leave a message, send a text, I will get back to you. It may be in 1 minute, or 30... though... no hard feelings? It all depends upon what I'm doing at the moment... playing blackjack, wandering with the dogs, or even napping - smile

Email. . . still my favorite communication tool when I'm in "work mode" - I took two days off work last week and it was the strangest sensation not to have email to work through all day. I love the clarity email provides in project management! However, I'm learning that I have to distinguish between project management and life...Never thought I would say that!

I've deactivated facebook for good. In some ways I feel like my friends are leaving me in the dust - but in all honesty, the dust is actually a nice place, once I got to know it again! It seems I had forgotten how to live MY life, and was striving to live life with everyone else!

I have fallen "a little in love" with Pinterest; I'm beginning to accept myself and find the things I like are lovely. I like to remember them, and Pinterest helps a LOT! And you know, while its a social site, its nothing at all like facebook or myspace..trust me.

Eliminating some of the collected clutter from the past 15 years of marriage has made our space much more of a home and much less of a monster (where is that one paper again, from November of 2000? OH, right where we put it!)

I was able to practice slow time this past weekend ... I was flexible enough to meet friends, to rest, and to pack for the upcoming move... I still got much accomplished.. but much life was lived as well. and it was very very good!

Working Mom Blog - epilogue

I came up with this idea while dozing overnight...

The reality is, being a mom makes for really full days...

Being a working mom makes for exponentially full days...

You can't always do it all. You can't always make the appointments, the meets, the visits. Your time is so very costly...

And that is why I thought of this. Sometimes this season is so lonely that it becomes unbearable and you feel like all you are doing is spinning in a circle.

You will wake many mornings wishing you could do so much more, not just for your kids, or your spouse, but even for yourself. You will wish you could make it to the gym, that you could make friends, that you could respond to email. You will wish that you could work on that hobby you haven't picked up in five years.

You will long for help with a menu, help organizing chores and schedules, help with those things that you aren't good at, like decorating, or entertaining.

I can't say that I have the answers for these things as I experience them myself. But I've been mulling a couple thoughts lately that have been helping.

One, this is such a brief season. Trust me. Whether your kids are tiny or teenagers, they will grow up and be gone in a blink. I'm learning to ignore some things that don't need critical attention so that I can be active in those things that pass quickly, like stories and icecream. I wish I had learned that sooner.

Two, others have gone before. Sure, many women didn't work outside the home, but they were busy women just the same. It is very likely that they had some of the same dreams, issues, and challenges that we do, but for whatever reason, I know I don't easily remember that.

Three, our worth and value is not found in our employment OR in our kids, truly. All of that fades. Our worth and value is found in Christ (thankfully!)

So, continue the journey. Books and friends can help, the Word deeply ingrains, and watching our kids journey through their own life and faith brings life and healing.

Working Mom Blog

Let the unique day of a working mom begin!
Good Morning! It's 5:40 and you are waking up a bit late... head straight to the coffee as you rub your eyes and yawn...

Your middle is awake and following her routine to a T. Time to sit down on the sofa for a moment with your coffee and iPhone; your daily reading is at internetmonk.com. Apparently you were sitting with your eyes closed holding your mug of coffee, as the next thing you know, your middle is at your side asking for help with her hair. She is always amazed at how much better you do, you always counter with how different your perspective is, and how much longer you have been fixing hair.

It's after six now, no sign of the oldest. Getting up to check on her, you notice that she is awake, but since you are available, mom, can you please get my laundry out of the dryer...

Ah, time to try again. I've somehow downed an entire mug of coffee and yet read no words. Since reading one thousand gifts I have been thinking of everything differently, so I start again by heading over to aholyexperience.com where today the topic is on forgiveness... how appropriate...

It is almost time for their bus, so I find myself busy with last minute backpack switching and adding to lunches. While in the kitchen I consider dinner (dinner!!) a success as its 6:30am and dinner is the last thing on my mind. Easy night tonight, as the family is busy on Wednesdays... while chatting with the middle about the plan, my eyes rest on the remnants of yesterday... somehow, getting a grip on the kitchen isn't high on my to-do list at any time of day...

And, they are off.. I have about 20 minutes until the next round, the far more critical round... Glancing about, I have a stack of papers on my desk.. dogs that are begging for a walk... a pile of laundry to put away, and wet towels cascading out of their bin...

First things first, the dogs... with a mug of coffee in hand and rainboots on my feet, we journey outside... Copper has to be on a leash so as to keep from getting lost in the tall grass (he has a way of sneaking to the neighbors,) while Asia can roam freely... but has been getting into it a bit lately with the new neighbor dogs...

Tromp tromp... Here is our typical Oregon spring; wet, green, and very alive. It has been taking a bit longer to arrive these past couple years, which in turn pushes back summer, and then winter, and then (you can guess!) the cycle repeats in this slightly off kilter fashion...

Mug empty, I figure that was about 10 minutes or so... in we go, ditching the wet outdoors...

Turn on the flat iron - I really wanted straight hair today - and consider what critical things need to be thought of this morning... Not much, I believe... there are so many tasks I haven't gotten to yet today, this week, this month... none of them are any more critical than the others.

The song "every light in the house is on" pops into my mind as I survey the wreckage of the two leaving... I smile, hit the lights, close the doors, and realize its time to get myself in gear.

Where did my morning go?

Left just in time to stop at a local convenience store.. coffee didn't quite hit the spot and so its on to diet dr pepper... pay in dimes, laugh (cringe, cry?) at the budget...

Made it to work with five minutes to spare. Which, it turns out, wasn't quite early enough as I was leaving early and had quite a bit to do!

Live and learn.

Workday, the usual. Note to self (to you!) foods smelled in the office during lunch hour should land on the menu. Chicken Enchiladas, Chicken PotPie, and some form of Spaghetti must be arranged in the coming week.

Leaving work early to celebrate the life of a dear friend. Stop in with my boss to give him a last minute update before leaving for the day three hours early, walk to the car praying that that one customer doesn't call until morning.

Since leaving early meant no lunch, hunger strikes! Thankful for the banana to tide me over for my quick run through the post office. The books I wanted to read came, fantastic! Journey home. Ah, its our dogs again....

Quick parade with Copper outside (one of the girls will be home soon, right?) Heat up leftovers and build a fire so the house warms up. Consider the time. Less than you thought.

Always.

Eat while you consider your options. Decide to make the bed and stoke the fire. Had the idea that I could take the time to load out some goodwill boxes but I think I failed to consider time outside with the dogs in my original agenda.

There's that infernal clock again, striking time to leave.

This celebration has been conventionally scheduled to allow for an exit in time to pickup the middle from track. I feel thankful and blessed to know this family, for reasons beyond this. As I prepare to walk to the car, I remember this lovely woman who made such an impact on our community. She will be missed.

Realize that the oldest will not be home due to after school commitments and it will be over an hour until the youngest arrives. Rush back into the house to check on the fire, tamp it down, write a note, and check the dog water.

Time spent at the memorial was very good for the soul. A healthy reminder of the value of a life lived well, for the right reasons, and with Christ at the helm. Momma will be missed by this community, but the family legacy lives on in her children and grandchildren... what a blessing!

Middle has been collected, and, at nearly 5pm, its time to consider the evening. I have a chapter to read and a quiz to take for the course I'm taking for work... the youngest has homework, the middle has a track meet tomorrow, and the oldest will be gone until 8pm...

Dinner is easy, but man, that mountain of dishes is about to erupt. Plan of action, delegate... Vacuuming to the youngest, dishes to the middle, the oldest can fold the towels when she is home again!

Brilliant!

Course subject for the week makes me laugh ... controls.... Anyone running a home knows very plainly the subject of controls... How to prepare so that plan B is successful when plan A crashes... and how to make sure plan C is feasible in the event that it is required as well!

the evening is spent with the kids.. mom, look at my icecream.. do we have any sprinkles... watch this comic with me... listen to this... they grow up so fast, faster than we can imagine...

As 8 o'clock ticks past, the household begins to wind down. Chores that were not done are now balked at those infernal dishes! The oldest arrives in a whirlwind, declares that she is going to cut her hair off right now, because everyone should try that for themselves. She dreams of the era of the 20's - it fits her steampunk and her style..

Meanwhile, the middle begins to melt down... early bedtime tonight!

The husband is home, we talk work and memorial and I serve him dinner, then I too move toward bedtime... goodnight to all, its just a bit after 9 and I've got nothing left to offer!