we are family

i love how there are some people who are able to help you see things so much more clearly...

in my musings of late i have been pondering so much... stuff.

should i stay or should i go now...

if i go there will be trouble..

if i stay there will be double!

i live in a community of castles, brick walls, gates. i know with confidence i am to be here, now, but my energies are waning. how do you really live in full community when the very people you love live in a small box? when you believe in a god that is so much bigger than any of our tiny imaginations could grasp...

Could we with ink the ocean fill,

And were the skies of parchment made,

Were every stalk on earth a quill,

And every man a scribe by trade,

To write the love of God above,

Would drain the ocean dry.

Nor could the scroll contain the whole,

Though stretched from sky to sky.
(hymn - the love of god -  http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/l/o/loveofgo.htm)

i was able to get out with my girl asia again last night. i'm starting to catch a glimpse of how people can say they find jesus in the woods. i'm not there, i do believe in the communion of the saints, and the importance of the gathering, but on the other hand... when there are no barriers between us, no expectations or watching or programs or structures... i find that there is room at the table for all...

i am grateful for the family - for the words of friends, saints, who walk with their eyes fixed on jesus in the midst of everything around them, and find the third way...

breathe

the sky was bright with the reflected light of the moon. rainless and quiet, i was able to walk in peace and breathe the clear evening air. i walked for over an hour, neither asia nor i wanting to come back home...

being a hermit sounds rather nice.

finding christ, GOD, in the midst of the busy is hard.

years ago i found my deepest peace at the edge of a cliff, overlooking a private canyon, where i could pray and sing and cry and smoke and breathe ... there is that breathing again, seems to be a necessity.

this was before, of course, before the marriage, the kids, the job, the house, the dogs, the bills, the tasks, the giving...

i think of david, out there with his sheep at night. i wonder if he was a bit like me, someone who, for all intents and purposes looks like a raging extrovert, yet who finds their deepest rest in silence, alone with creation, with GOD.

i wonder if, as he aged and his life was changed and the world was no longer before him but at his very feet, i wonder if he would remember the quiet moments of the past. i wonder if, sometimes, he would sneak out and find a quiet space.

as we gather, we who believe in christ, we say the words and talk the talk and sing the songs, even, but it feels so brief, so much like a whisper on wind... not enough, not nearly enough, for the weight of life.

i'm beginning to grasp the need for sabbath.

a moment of remembrance

my favorite moments are those outside at just past dusk when you can hear the wind in the trees and you feel as if you cannot breathe enough of this clean air before darkness pushes you into the safety of your walls. at these moments, i remember...

and remembrance brings joy. 

Don't touch my favorite psalm!

I've told my husband if I ever hear a preacher start in on my favorite psalm I will leave.

*sigh* I am rather immature at times!

This psalm has been the way forward for me - in so many ways - and I can do no justice to it or the memory of the teaching... so instead of attempting I will give a shout to Bo Stern for digging deep into this psalm at George Fox University a couple years ago, and I will simply share the words...

Psalm 121

 

I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? 

My help comes from the Lord, who made the heavens and earth. 

He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. 

The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. 

The sun shall not strike you by day; nor the moon by night. 

The Lord will keep you from all evil, he will keep your life.

The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore. 

 

Forevermore. Remember to live life in light of eternity.

sugar...

Experiences in the church are as varied as the genetic code of each human. Mine were painted by God, as much as yours or your neighbors...

My first church experience - at 7yrs old - was initiated by my mom who felt it very important that my brother and I learn something from church. In hindsight she may have just been longing for a couple hours peace. No matter, she dropped our small selves in front of the catholic church in our neighborhood. I remember everyone being dressed up very fancy, the water, the candles,  the quiet room in the back, the kneelers, the ceremony, and afterwards, the table covered in donuts and cookies with basket for the offering, All from a season of my life in which my memory is almost blank.

This season didn't last long, maybe a year or maybe months...  I told a friend of mine that I first met Jesus with the lure of sugar, as that table of treats has always been on my mind when I think of my childhood.

This experience as a child is what I draw back to when I think of childrens ministry. For all that I do not remember, I do know that I was freely able to come, participate, and stay. We were, at some point, settled in the quiet room, but I cannot recall why or how often, as I also recall the pews and kneelers.

I am concerned that the western church is losing sight of the open eyes of children for the sake of security and perfection. sigh. Let the little children come to me, Jesus told his disciples...

Years went by before Jesus came to our door again, this time dressed as a brother from a local baptist church bus ministry, offering candy and a bus ride to church.  Once again, sugar.. Again I remember people all dressed up fancy, but this time I remember classrooms, and a very large stage and pulpit. I remember everyone named brother this or sister that and, being about 11, feeling very ashamed of my clothing. I suppose I've always been a little odd...so I played my viola and learned some sunday school songs and then, again, this season ended... Thirteen is far too cool to be riding a church bus, playing viola, and singing sunday school songs.

Jesus doesn't let us go. More years, and the sugar came in the form of an open door and grace...

This summer our family lost a dear loved one. His funeral was held in his church, a lutheran church, and as much as I was there in support of the family and to honor his life, I have to confess that the funeral for me was like a breath of fresh air. Twenty years a foursquare/baptist, and I realize I am weary of the lack of heritage & depth that I find in this place. I suppose it is my own making, as I read mystics and monks and poets and presbyterians (for goodness sake!) as much as I read the old testament and love the hebrew and find my favorite moments with my daughters when we kneel in communion once a month. I kneel because I'm the most flexible, and because in doing so we can put our heads together and one of us girls can pray.

How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord of hosts! My soul longs, yes, faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God. (Psalms 84: 1-2)

Hi, I'm Lanelle and I'm a Jesus Feminist

Feminism: the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes 

The phrase "Jesus Feminist" has been floating around the web for months as a gracious, creative woman named Sarah chose to write a book. The book is titled Jesus Feminist ... and it is being released today.

This title is causing a tremendous wave of criticism and uproar... As if words cannot be properly understood any longer.....

With that, I declare myself a Jesus Feminist. 

I am Jesus Feminist because...

All people were created in the image of God & Jesus died on the cross for all of us.

God is the one who knits together and gives good gifts. I am not broken for being born female. I am not broken for having a mind, gifts, talents, and abilities...

Love and Respect are real 

Because the whole law is fulfilled in one word "you shall love your neighbor as yourself"

People die every day without hearing the truth and name of Jesus.
Whole families die every day all around the world for a lack of water and food

Women die every day as a result of withheld medical care 

Girls like Malala Yousafzai are brave enough to risk everything for an education

Women in third world nations are changing their communities by working together

Because women are still treated as property and rape is still common

Because women in our senate worked together against our government shutdown

Because I truly believe women need to step up and stand up and stop throwing their lives away - Boys need fathers not just baby-daddys

Because lists of what women can and cannot do just make me ill. Scripture is already written - do we need man-made lists?

Because I am thankful that my grandmothers generation fought for the right to vote

 We are the light to the world

Because way back in Numbers God gives a provision to women when making a vow before the Lord.  God could have simply said that women cannot make vows. What I see in this passage is a loving father who desires women and men to be in relationship with him.

Because I have three daughters. They are very important to me, and I hope they are never derailed by the war of words and definitions. My desire is that they would fix their eyes on Jesus and pursue him wholly - no matter what call he places on their life - no matter what people think - no matter what the institutional church says. Throughout scripture there are stories of men and women recklessly and fearlessly living life. That is what I want for all of our young men and women.. our sons and our daughters ... That is why I am a Jesus Feminist.

This post is part of the BEAUTIFUL Sarah Bessey's synchroblog to celebrate the release of her amazing new book, Jesus Feminist. Calling men and women to stand together for God's Kingdom come. Find the original post here.

Falling Back

This morning time fell back, and took my sleep with it.

Tis the season of the chill - of the woodsmoke and the rain - the whole of it all preparing for dormancy. Tis the season of books, boots, and blankets. I'm already plotting a visit to warmer climes..

On books. I'm reading Barbara Kingsolver "Flight Behavior" and Lauren Winner "Girl Meets God" - Annie Dillard "Pilgrim at Tinker Creek" is next up on the kindle, and my copy of Jesus Feminist by Sarah Bessey will arrive on Friday (I hope!)

I'm reading the old testament - taking time to consider the lives of the israelites as they wander through leviticus, numbers, and deuteronomy. My goal for this fall is to read the whole old testament. I'm burned out on Paul, honestly, and his church instruction. I wanted to get back to the roots of it all.

I pulled an old friend off the bookshelf to rebuild some rhythms. I think my house is as homey as its going to get and I need to find a way to settle into it. You are 18 months in, Lanelle, 18 months in. 18 to go, give or take, before you can consider the walks and trees of a neighborhood house... learn to live in the moment you are in. My old friend? Oh yes, Disciplines for the Inner Life.

Today is communion sunday. Communion in this place is hard, as it seems I cannot pause deep enough to find the sacrament in the method. Ah well. this is where I am and here I stay until further notice.

The eldest is on an adventure all alone. Sixteen years old, cash in her pocket and a passport in her hand... she traveled alone by train to see her friend in Tacoma. A mere 3 hour train ride, but for the momma - buying adult train tickets with her girl - its a jolt.

Not impressed with the thought that that I'm edging toward 40 and an empty nest. In the midst of this, how can we fathom that?