listening to the clicks - part 1

I'm not the sort of woman to talk about expectations when getting married - my upbringing wasn't one where marriage was on display to build expectations around.  Surprisingly, I had some anyway, and built up plenty more along the way.   I'm the sort of person who learns from those around to discern the appropriate social customs and norms for the culture I live in, and it serves me well in a lot of ways. Not all ways, as I will share below...

Sit with this thought... In Genesis, after the poison apple and the cursed fall, God has this to say to the woman: "I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you." Genesis 3:16

There is a lot in the bible about marriage and husbands and I'm no scholar, so I will confess that this passage wasn't something I considered. Until....

• Until my husband received a disability diagnosis that explained his relational and communication challenges - he isn't just a self absorbed jerk. 
• Until my husband rejected our "shared faith" for science and atheism. 
• Until I was staring down a divorce as my husband wanted me to be happy.

We started down a journey of discovery about 3 years ago and its been messy. I've not been kind, he isn't able to articulate feelings well, we've had death and grief and illness and job change and home sales...

I'm not writing this to cast judgement on anyone. I know first hand how difficult disappointment in marriage can be, how painful separation is, how deeply most people desire to be cared for. I'm writing this to share my thoughts, and perhaps encourage one person whose situation allows to try a different path.

My situation allows plenty of paths. My husband wants me to be happy and just can't see himself able to do anything in that regard (he has come a long way in 3 years but.. its never going to be easy or natural for him or I.) I've wrestled and wrestled. I've been angry, confused, sad, hurt, rejected, betrayed. I've known sureness and rested in my faith at the same time.

Except I really wasn't. Deep in my soul I wasn't resting in my faith and trusting the path I know I'm supposed to be on. I was continuing to long for my husband to be fixed and meet my needs like other husbands do. In other words,  just be... "normal." My focus was still on the flaws, on the challenges, on my desires...

I read this comment on Facebook and it captured exactly what I have been processing:

We are inclined to put our husbands before God as a result of the fall. Our curse was that our desire would be for them (meaning we want to get all our needs met by them) when worshiping and relationship with God should be first and foremost the desire of our heart. I have only come to understand this fairly recently. Like many, I believed this was a good thing, romantic and lovely, forgetting it’s a consequence of sin.  This has been mind blowing for me and not easy because having your central focus of how you live your life turned upside down is incredibly challenging.

I'm going to stop us all right there and say... the first 10 times I heard this I was incredulous!! Surely this isn't what the passage in Genesis means! So if you think so too, we are in good company.

And then. as I read, and prayed, and considered... I think it does. At least in part, as I'm no bible scholar and I can't read Hebrew.





I'm going to hit pause on this string of thoughts and come back another day to share more. Stay tuned.

Dusting the shelves

Just dusting the shelves on my blog. There may be more to see here shortly!