This is ME!

So - I'm thinking of updating all this a bit. I'm learning a lot this season - I'm learning to ...

go with the flow regarding selfies...

Eat with my hands...

and convince my dearest coffee people to take my picture so I don't have to attempt selfies anymore!

I'm 36 and my heart beats to the beat of a different drum. The two eldest are going to learn to drive this winter, so I can spend my limited time reading, writing, talking, and walking my dogs in the wind. I love hymns, loud music, anything by Pavarotti or performed on the strings... I have a special affection for the airborne toxic event and snow patrol...I love listening to passionate people, regardless of gender, race, or creed - they make me think and their passion is attractive. We should all be passionate about the things we love!  I love Jesus and his work in my life has made me who I am. I believe that all people have value and worth,  that there is a way even if it is invisible to you, and that grace is free.  I've added Jesus Feminist to my list of "titles" but some others are mom, wife, and friend... Sometimes I do crazy stuff, I'm usually not perfect, but I'm me. Fully, and 100% always me.... the introverted extrovert who had to tattoo a reminder of Gods faithfulness on her wrist...

on being right

I have a friend who is going to be in the upcoming show, the importance of being earnest. He is playing Lady Bracknell ... which I'm sure will be excellent... and I can scarcely wait to see...

I digress. Or do I?

Being right... When I think about being right I actually think about being earnest...

Old English in origin: meaning sincere, genuine, kind with an ability to explode into rage if a loved one is threatened.

genuine. Ah, there it is, for the play.

exploding into rage, that's what we talk of today.

there was a quarrel yesterday, rapidly escalating, like a tennis match. the players in the scene were exploding, it was painful to observe. my role was to be the third voice.

i wasn't very confident in the proceedings until the results were in. as suspected, there were two losers... there was an element of absolute truth on both sides, and an element of profound error.

what struck me about this situation was how this was the best way. certainly not the battle, but the answer. of course there isn't a clear victor this side of things. of course we can't stand and defend with absolute authority things only God really knows. we see through a mirror dimly, and with our limited vision, we are still blind.  however, in the process of pursuing Christ, we must walk as he did...

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure. Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain. (Philippians 2)

What is of higher value? Being right, or having the same mine and the same love? Our own interests, or being a light?

we are family

i love how there are some people who are able to help you see things so much more clearly...

in my musings of late i have been pondering so much... stuff.

should i stay or should i go now...

if i go there will be trouble..

if i stay there will be double!

i live in a community of castles, brick walls, gates. i know with confidence i am to be here, now, but my energies are waning. how do you really live in full community when the very people you love live in a small box? when you believe in a god that is so much bigger than any of our tiny imaginations could grasp...

Could we with ink the ocean fill,

And were the skies of parchment made,

Were every stalk on earth a quill,

And every man a scribe by trade,

To write the love of God above,

Would drain the ocean dry.

Nor could the scroll contain the whole,

Though stretched from sky to sky.
(hymn - the love of god -  http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/l/o/loveofgo.htm)

i was able to get out with my girl asia again last night. i'm starting to catch a glimpse of how people can say they find jesus in the woods. i'm not there, i do believe in the communion of the saints, and the importance of the gathering, but on the other hand... when there are no barriers between us, no expectations or watching or programs or structures... i find that there is room at the table for all...

i am grateful for the family - for the words of friends, saints, who walk with their eyes fixed on jesus in the midst of everything around them, and find the third way...

breathe

the sky was bright with the reflected light of the moon. rainless and quiet, i was able to walk in peace and breathe the clear evening air. i walked for over an hour, neither asia nor i wanting to come back home...

being a hermit sounds rather nice.

finding christ, GOD, in the midst of the busy is hard.

years ago i found my deepest peace at the edge of a cliff, overlooking a private canyon, where i could pray and sing and cry and smoke and breathe ... there is that breathing again, seems to be a necessity.

this was before, of course, before the marriage, the kids, the job, the house, the dogs, the bills, the tasks, the giving...

i think of david, out there with his sheep at night. i wonder if he was a bit like me, someone who, for all intents and purposes looks like a raging extrovert, yet who finds their deepest rest in silence, alone with creation, with GOD.

i wonder if, as he aged and his life was changed and the world was no longer before him but at his very feet, i wonder if he would remember the quiet moments of the past. i wonder if, sometimes, he would sneak out and find a quiet space.

as we gather, we who believe in christ, we say the words and talk the talk and sing the songs, even, but it feels so brief, so much like a whisper on wind... not enough, not nearly enough, for the weight of life.

i'm beginning to grasp the need for sabbath.

a moment of remembrance

my favorite moments are those outside at just past dusk when you can hear the wind in the trees and you feel as if you cannot breathe enough of this clean air before darkness pushes you into the safety of your walls. at these moments, i remember...

and remembrance brings joy. 

Don't touch my favorite psalm!

I've told my husband if I ever hear a preacher start in on my favorite psalm I will leave.

*sigh* I am rather immature at times!

This psalm has been the way forward for me - in so many ways - and I can do no justice to it or the memory of the teaching... so instead of attempting I will give a shout to Bo Stern for digging deep into this psalm at George Fox University a couple years ago, and I will simply share the words...

Psalm 121

 

I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? 

My help comes from the Lord, who made the heavens and earth. 

He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. 

The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. 

The sun shall not strike you by day; nor the moon by night. 

The Lord will keep you from all evil, he will keep your life.

The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore. 

 

Forevermore. Remember to live life in light of eternity.

sugar...

Experiences in the church are as varied as the genetic code of each human. Mine were painted by God, as much as yours or your neighbors...

My first church experience - at 7yrs old - was initiated by my mom who felt it very important that my brother and I learn something from church. In hindsight she may have just been longing for a couple hours peace. No matter, she dropped our small selves in front of the catholic church in our neighborhood. I remember everyone being dressed up very fancy, the water, the candles,  the quiet room in the back, the kneelers, the ceremony, and afterwards, the table covered in donuts and cookies with basket for the offering, All from a season of my life in which my memory is almost blank.

This season didn't last long, maybe a year or maybe months...  I told a friend of mine that I first met Jesus with the lure of sugar, as that table of treats has always been on my mind when I think of my childhood.

This experience as a child is what I draw back to when I think of childrens ministry. For all that I do not remember, I do know that I was freely able to come, participate, and stay. We were, at some point, settled in the quiet room, but I cannot recall why or how often, as I also recall the pews and kneelers.

I am concerned that the western church is losing sight of the open eyes of children for the sake of security and perfection. sigh. Let the little children come to me, Jesus told his disciples...

Years went by before Jesus came to our door again, this time dressed as a brother from a local baptist church bus ministry, offering candy and a bus ride to church.  Once again, sugar.. Again I remember people all dressed up fancy, but this time I remember classrooms, and a very large stage and pulpit. I remember everyone named brother this or sister that and, being about 11, feeling very ashamed of my clothing. I suppose I've always been a little odd...so I played my viola and learned some sunday school songs and then, again, this season ended... Thirteen is far too cool to be riding a church bus, playing viola, and singing sunday school songs.

Jesus doesn't let us go. More years, and the sugar came in the form of an open door and grace...

This summer our family lost a dear loved one. His funeral was held in his church, a lutheran church, and as much as I was there in support of the family and to honor his life, I have to confess that the funeral for me was like a breath of fresh air. Twenty years a foursquare/baptist, and I realize I am weary of the lack of heritage & depth that I find in this place. I suppose it is my own making, as I read mystics and monks and poets and presbyterians (for goodness sake!) as much as I read the old testament and love the hebrew and find my favorite moments with my daughters when we kneel in communion once a month. I kneel because I'm the most flexible, and because in doing so we can put our heads together and one of us girls can pray.

How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord of hosts! My soul longs, yes, faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God. (Psalms 84: 1-2)